Hey Japan, Quit Freaking Me Out

I’m twenty-two years old and I’m not Amare Stoudemire. Thus, the best place I could afford to live while avoiding the shame of living with my parents was in the basement of my buddy’s townhouse. It’s big enough for my bed, desk, armoire and pile of clothes on the floor that I use instead of my armoire. It’s got carpet. Frankly, it’s a pretty decent room for what I pay except for three things:

1. There are no windows, so it’s pitch black at night.
2. The water heater is in a recess in my closet and it makes creepy noises all the time.
3. Japanese people won’t quit making pants-poopingly scary movies that make every night in my room a journey into a dark void of unfathomable terror.

Alright, Japan. We get it. You’re fucking scary. I don’t know what’s going on over there when the sun goes down, but if it’s anything like the shit that went down in The Ring, The Grudge or The Ring 2, then I’m staying the hell out of Japan. Don’t even get me started on The Audition… By the way, if you haven’t seen The Audition yet, don’t ask me about it because I haven’t seen it either. I only saw a clip and that was enough to make me throw out the “J” from my 1996 Encyclopaedia Britannica set.

“J” for Japan…

My bed is parallel to and a foot away from my closet, which, in the dark, looks amazingly like the closet in which they found that girl in The Ring. That means that I go to sleep looking right at a mirrored sliding door with a water heater groaning away behind it every single night. I have a sheet, a blanket and a comforter with a flannel duvet cover to hide under, but guess what? Ghosts don’t give a shit! “Oh what’s this? A 200 thread count blanket? I’d better get going…” Psyche! That never happens! Plus, I can’t afford 200 thread count, so even if it could happen, I’d still be ghost food.

That’s not even the worst of it; my closet also happens to have a deep recess reaching upward, much like the closet in The Grudge. So, the worst thing about sleeping in my room isn’t guessing if I’m going to die, it’s guessing which popular Japanese demon is going to do the deed. Thanks a lot Japan; you’ve ruined sleep, my second favorite thing in the world. What’s your encore? A monster made out of chili fries? You guys want to take away my chili fries? Grow a soul!

Enough already; you win. Maybe America rules at making homing missiles, heavy metal music, dogs that aren’t gay-looking and episode after unbelievable episode of The OC, but we’ll concede on scary movies. But that’s not enough for Japan, is it, you big dick? You’re not going to be satisfied until I have to sack up and move into a real apartment with real windows and natural light and closets without water heaters looming behind sliding doors making scary noises that force me to keep the TV on as I go to sleep, are you?

No way, not a chance. You’re just getting warmed up. For lo! what was the first trailer I saw last night as I was innocently trying to watch Ice Cube get loco on some fools in XXX: State of the Union? Coming soon, to a theater dangerously near me, from the author of The Ring, Academy Award winner Jennifer Connelly stars in… Dark Water.” Five bucks says I leave the theater with a fear of water, the dark, dark water, normal-to-light water in the dark, and Jennifer Connelly. Actually, I’ve feared Jennifer Connely ever since she did The Hulk. Plus, she’s like 6’6” which gives me the heebie-jeebies anyway. But I digress. The point here is that I already can’t open closets, turn on the TV, watch video tapes, sleep on the floor, wash my hair, pet cats, answer the phone, hang out in wells or make out passionately with Sarah Michelle Geller without crapping myself thanks to these movies; now, I’m going to be afraid of water which makes up approximately 65% of my own body. Sweet.

I also heard that they’ve got a The Grudge 2 in production for 2006. Wow, thanks again, Japan. More pale bitches jumping out of closets to kill people; more paralyzing clickity-clack throat sounds; more of me closing my eyes and screaming like a woman in front of my date who will now say no to sex way before she even finds out that I live in a basement.

Fuck you, Japan.

You know what, fuck sushi too. That shit’s always cold.