Rebel Without a Shape

Thank God for processed meat. If it weren't for processed meat, we'd have to eat meat in chunks, strips and other naturally occurring shapes. That's crap! If I want to shape meat, then I'd better be given the opportunity because I work hard and I deserve it. I had a turkey burger today and it ruled all over the place. If it weren't for the processing that that turkey meat went through, it totally wouldn't have fit right on the bun. That's garbage.

I'm tired of people always putting down processed foods. If regular food was so great, then why is everybody processing it? Riddle me that! Processing food means grinding shit up, adding shit to it and putting it into a way cooler shape than it used to be. I think my favorite shape is amorphous.

Amorphousness kicks ass. Not only is it fun to say, but it's a shape with some style. It's a shape that is defined by not being a definite shape. That's way more rebellious than weak-ass James Dean ever was. So you drove your car off a mountain, wow. Meanwhile, amorphousness is breaking the rules of logic! Amorphousness: 1; James Dean: 0.

James Dean was a way bigger loser than people give him credit for. If James Dean is so cool, how come he's dead? The guy's an American icon and he's not even smart enough to be alive to appreciate it. James Dean only did one cool thing in his life: I'm pretty sure he invented the leather jacket.

Leather jackets keep going in and out of style. It seems like whenever people aren't dancing around in a white room wearing cow skin in a Gap ad, leather is very five minutes ago. However, it seems that whenever cows get uppity, leather is cool again. Wearing leather is instant image. The greatest thing about it is that you have no idea what image it's going to portray and it's going to be one of two: tough or gay.

That's not true. You could also look tough and gay. I don't know why gay people are thought of as "not tough." It's a bogus stereotype. The prisons are literally packed with really tough gay dudes.

Prisons are super, by the way. They make for great movies. "The Shawshank Redemption," "Attica," "Escape from Alcatraz," "The Rock," "No Escape," "Ernest Goes to Jail," I could go on. Movies about prison are awesome because you're inevitably going to get a minimum of two really bad ass guys doing bad ass things. You know what's really bad ass? Eating prison food. I'll bet it sucks.

What's weird is that it's mostly just processed food, which is great. The difference is that processed food only tastes good when you get a hot plate of freedom of the side. Processed freedom.