Dog Fight
Who reigns supreme in the world of lovable canine corporate mascots? This question has haunted me for years.
Now, you may be thinking, McGruff, the crime dog, would obviously be the answer. After all, he carries a gun and is assumedly trained to use it. You'd be wrong though, because I said "lovable" and McGruff is about as loveable as Stacey Corosi from Saved By the Bell, the Malibu Sands Years.
The battle comes down to two great candidates: the Slush Puppie and the Hush Puppy. Everyone know that both are extremely lovable but, more importantly, their names rhyme. When you can make the title of a fight rhyme, it goes down in history (e.g. the Ali vs. Foreman '74, a.k.a. "The Rumble in the Jungle" and Ali vs. Frazier '75, a.k.a. "The Thrilla in Manila").
This battle would be epic. It would finally quench that eternally burning fire--the fire that glows brighter every time someone realizes the intense cuteness of both the Puppie and the Puppy. Which corporate whore dog is most unabashedly adorable?
Well, let's find out.
In the left corner, weighing in at 34 Lbs. 3 oz., hailing from the Slush Puppie Frozen Drink Division of the Dr. Pepper/Seven Up Corporation of Plano, Texas; he's been known as the "Stone Cold Canine" and the "Texan Chilly Dog;" the cuddliest varmit this side of the Pacos...
SLUSH PUPPIE!!!
In the right corner, weighing in at 62 Lbs. 5 oz., hailing from the Hush Puppy Footwear Division of the Wolverine World Wide Corporation of Rockford Michigan; they call him the "Casual Wear Cuddle Bear" and the "Slip-On Slobberpuss;" the dog the puts the "oof" in "woof"...
HUSH PUPPY!!!
So, who would win the fight? Let's weigh the different attributes of the contenders. Clearly, as a basset hound, the Hush Puppy has the weight advantage, but the speed advantage goes to the sparky mutt from Texas. Likewise, the toughness advantage lies with Slush Puppie whose heart pumps not warm blood but a delicious icy fluid that keeps his core body temperature close to freezing. Hush Puppy, though, has been the more successful corporate mascot, winning the recognizability contest and success in the marketplace contest.
The fight would indeed be a close one. Both contenders would get into the ring and duke it out in a violent display of cuddly lovability. Unfortunately, what they didn't expect was the blast from the past, the greatest puppy-dog corporate mascot and dog-related children's toy of all time, the Pound Puppy!
Pound Puppies hail from the Tonka Division of Hasbro, Inc. Straight out of Corporate HQ in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, the Pound Puppies play for keeps. You thought they stopped making them in 1988, but, in fact, they've been around up through 1996 and are in development for a come-back.
Pound Puppies stick together and, as pack animals, can triple and quadruple the cuteness of a single mascot without even coming out from behind that big heart. They were born on the streets and grew up in cruel pounds; they're as tough as nails and as soft and huggable as Koosh balls.
The element of surprise would overwhelm the Slush Puppie and Hush Puppy. The sheer number of Pound Puppies would do them in. After the dust had settled, the Pound Puppies would walk away victorious, trailing bloody paw prints behind.
Then, inevitably, someone in the crowd would say, "What the hell just happened? I paid $29.95 for this?" Everyone woud leave in a huff, totally confused as to why they bought tickets to such an obsure event. At least, they would carry some piece of mind, knowing, kind of, who the cutest corporate puppy mascot truly was.
Wait... what the hell was that about?
Now, you may be thinking, McGruff, the crime dog, would obviously be the answer. After all, he carries a gun and is assumedly trained to use it. You'd be wrong though, because I said "lovable" and McGruff is about as loveable as Stacey Corosi from Saved By the Bell, the Malibu Sands Years.
The battle comes down to two great candidates: the Slush Puppie and the Hush Puppy. Everyone know that both are extremely lovable but, more importantly, their names rhyme. When you can make the title of a fight rhyme, it goes down in history (e.g. the Ali vs. Foreman '74, a.k.a. "The Rumble in the Jungle" and Ali vs. Frazier '75, a.k.a. "The Thrilla in Manila").
This battle would be epic. It would finally quench that eternally burning fire--the fire that glows brighter every time someone realizes the intense cuteness of both the Puppie and the Puppy. Which corporate whore dog is most unabashedly adorable?
Well, let's find out.
In the left corner, weighing in at 34 Lbs. 3 oz., hailing from the Slush Puppie Frozen Drink Division of the Dr. Pepper/Seven Up Corporation of Plano, Texas; he's been known as the "Stone Cold Canine" and the "Texan Chilly Dog;" the cuddliest varmit this side of the Pacos...
SLUSH PUPPIE!!!
In the right corner, weighing in at 62 Lbs. 5 oz., hailing from the Hush Puppy Footwear Division of the Wolverine World Wide Corporation of Rockford Michigan; they call him the "Casual Wear Cuddle Bear" and the "Slip-On Slobberpuss;" the dog the puts the "oof" in "woof"...
HUSH PUPPY!!!
So, who would win the fight? Let's weigh the different attributes of the contenders. Clearly, as a basset hound, the Hush Puppy has the weight advantage, but the speed advantage goes to the sparky mutt from Texas. Likewise, the toughness advantage lies with Slush Puppie whose heart pumps not warm blood but a delicious icy fluid that keeps his core body temperature close to freezing. Hush Puppy, though, has been the more successful corporate mascot, winning the recognizability contest and success in the marketplace contest.
The fight would indeed be a close one. Both contenders would get into the ring and duke it out in a violent display of cuddly lovability. Unfortunately, what they didn't expect was the blast from the past, the greatest puppy-dog corporate mascot and dog-related children's toy of all time, the Pound Puppy!
Pound Puppies hail from the Tonka Division of Hasbro, Inc. Straight out of Corporate HQ in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, the Pound Puppies play for keeps. You thought they stopped making them in 1988, but, in fact, they've been around up through 1996 and are in development for a come-back.
Pound Puppies stick together and, as pack animals, can triple and quadruple the cuteness of a single mascot without even coming out from behind that big heart. They were born on the streets and grew up in cruel pounds; they're as tough as nails and as soft and huggable as Koosh balls.
The element of surprise would overwhelm the Slush Puppie and Hush Puppy. The sheer number of Pound Puppies would do them in. After the dust had settled, the Pound Puppies would walk away victorious, trailing bloody paw prints behind.
Then, inevitably, someone in the crowd would say, "What the hell just happened? I paid $29.95 for this?" Everyone woud leave in a huff, totally confused as to why they bought tickets to such an obsure event. At least, they would carry some piece of mind, knowing, kind of, who the cutest corporate puppy mascot truly was.
Wait... what the hell was that about?
posted by US Rovers Fans @ 2:53 PM
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