Get Your Peanuts!

Everybody who ever got born--which is most people--wanted to be a peanut salesman at one point or another. That much is certain. They just whip those nuts at people all day long with the precision of a mohel, and it's rad. Yes, I said, "whip those nuts." No snack is better when you're hungry and can't get real food than peanuts due to the gratification of working through the tough shell in order to get to the nutmeat. Nut meat. I remember thinking to myself as a young lad, "Peanuts are totally great! I'll bet peanut salesmen make like a billion dollars every day."

Yeah, they don't.

As it turns out, peanut salesmen make just enough money to exceed the poverty level. I assume, though, that they get unlimited peanuts which is worth its weight in platinum. Many people don't know this, but platinum is a metal. You can use it for all kinds of stuff, but its best use is for making yourself look like a robot by putting it on your teeth.

I hope that doesn't go away. My favorite thing about the hip hop industry had to be their robot impersonation. I feel like that's the idea for most hip hoppers: be as much like a robot as possible. That's why they have platinum caps and gold chains and stuff; they are trying to cover their bodies in metal, just like robots! Why do you think they wear their hats backward? Think about it. Robots aren't people so they would have no idea how to wear a hat. But hey, I back it; robots rule!

Now, attributing the dance, "the robot" to hip hop would be obvious, so why do it, right? Wrong. "The robot" was invented by robots and hip hop stole it. The robots got pissed about it and filed a lawsuit against DefJam in 1989. They settled out of court and nobody has ever done "the robot" since then.

Suing people rules. Actually, the only thing that rules is being in an environment in which you can yell, "I object!" and actually get another dude to yell, “Overruled!" at you. Usually, when you yell, "I object!" in a regular situation, you get totally shot down and you're left hanging like a squirrel that slipped on a clothesline. Try walking into a restaurant like El Pollo Loco and yelling "I object!" and then add, "He's badgering the witness!" or something else that sounds intimidating and legalish. You'll probably just get asked to leave without even getting any chicken.

So, now you're hungry and there's only one question to ask: "Anybody got any peanuts?" Dammit, I hope so.