The Most Pervasive Phenomenon of Our Time

There are many aspects of culture that can be seen as more pervasive than other phenomena. Pervasive phenomena can affect our everyday lives in myriad ways from the clothes that become trendy to the type of food that we eat. If Mischa Barton (with whom I am in love, let the record show) were to kill a monkey on the OC and wear its limp body as a scarf, we would probably see dozens of monkeys heading for the high ground on Friday. Why? Because the OC isn’t just a show; it’s a phenomenon. If Paris Hilton (with whom I am not in love but with whom I would enjoy intercourse, let the record show) were to describe the S & P 500 Index as “Hot” then my stock portfolio would probably look a lot better than it does right now. Why? Because I stupidly invested in the S & P 500. But also, because Paris Hilton isn’t just a celebrity; she’s a phenomenon.

However, neither the OC nor Paris Hilton is the most pervasive phenomenon today. They might affect the purchase of clothes and (according to my theory) stocks, but what they don’t affect is other celebrities. To date, only Super Mario Bros., the greatest video game franchise of all time, is so pervasive that many of today’s celebrities are seemingly going for the “Super Mario Chic” look. Don’t believe me? Read on…

Is it just me or are Tom Selleck and Mario the two handsomest men of all time to sport such thick mustaches? I would argue that this is no coincidence. Yes, Tom Selleck was born before Mario made a big splash on the scene, but the tie is undeniably: Tom Selleck was the prototype for Mario. He was a Super Mario Beta version, if you will. This picture shows undeniable evidence of the connection. You might be thinking, “Wait a minute, your very explanation suggests that Tom Selleck is the pervasive phenomenon and that Mario Bros. is merely the affected agent.” To that, I would say, “Shut the fuck up; you’re ruining my theory.” Then I’d give you a quick rabbit punch to dome-piece to show you I mean business.



This next one is obvious: Rachel Dratch isn’t just affected by Mario Bros., she’s simply a Koopa Troopa that made it big. What’s really funny—to me, at least—is that we went to the same college. I’m pretty sure that Rachel Dratch was the first Koopa Troopa to graduate from Dartmouth College. She knocked down all kinds of walls for video game characters in the Ivy League. I’m pretty sure Donkey Kong, Jr. went to Cornell…



Returning, for a moment, to Paris Hilton, you might think that she’s been going for the Princess Toadstool look. Well, you’d be wrong. She may be America’s biggest idiot, but she has brilliant publicists. They knew that Toadstool was out and that Paris should go bigger! She should try to resemble perhaps the most important yet overlooked actor in the Mario Bros. games: the magic beanstalk. I could go on and on with bad puns and sex jokes that relate Paris Hilton to a magic beanstalk (such as "Paris makes my beanstalk feel magic," "Mario loved riding the beanstalk and everyone loves riding Paris," or "the beanstalk took you to a bonus round and Paris is all about the ‘bone-us’ round"), but I won’t. I don’t have to; the evidence is incontrovertible in this picture.



Is it just me or does Brigitte Nielson, co-star of VH1’s “Strange Love” with Flava Flav, look exactly like a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. movie? I feel like this one is even more obvious than the Rachel Dratch/Koopa Troopa thing. The question isn’t so much “How?” but “Why?” in this particular instance. Why would anyone want to resemble the worst character of the Mario franchise? The movie Goomba was an atrocity and a disgrace to the Mario name; the veritable Tito Jackson of the group. First she did Red Sonja, then she convinced Flava Flav to stop fighting The Power and now this. Now she’s the kind of ugly where a bell should be tied around her neck to warn people to hide their eyes as she draws nigh. Regardless, her choice has clearly been made and it's giving me the heebie-jeebies something fierce.



Super Mario Bros. has been the most pervasive phenomenon in the history of modern American society. Not since the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 has an institution had such a great effect on the United States and its culture. It has redefined the role of video games, influenced movies, cartoons and comics, brought mushrooms, mustaches and overalls back into style and even changed the way that celebrities reinvent themselves. There's only one thing left to say about the most pervasive phenomenon of our time...