The Most Pervasive Phenomenon of Our Time

There are many aspects of culture that can be seen as more pervasive than other phenomena. Pervasive phenomena can affect our everyday lives in myriad ways from the clothes that become trendy to the type of food that we eat. If Mischa Barton (with whom I am in love, let the record show) were to kill a monkey on the OC and wear its limp body as a scarf, we would probably see dozens of monkeys heading for the high ground on Friday. Why? Because the OC isn’t just a show; it’s a phenomenon. If Paris Hilton (with whom I am not in love but with whom I would enjoy intercourse, let the record show) were to describe the S & P 500 Index as “Hot” then my stock portfolio would probably look a lot better than it does right now. Why? Because I stupidly invested in the S & P 500. But also, because Paris Hilton isn’t just a celebrity; she’s a phenomenon.

However, neither the OC nor Paris Hilton is the most pervasive phenomenon today. They might affect the purchase of clothes and (according to my theory) stocks, but what they don’t affect is other celebrities. To date, only Super Mario Bros., the greatest video game franchise of all time, is so pervasive that many of today’s celebrities are seemingly going for the “Super Mario Chic” look. Don’t believe me? Read on…

Is it just me or are Tom Selleck and Mario the two handsomest men of all time to sport such thick mustaches? I would argue that this is no coincidence. Yes, Tom Selleck was born before Mario made a big splash on the scene, but the tie is undeniably: Tom Selleck was the prototype for Mario. He was a Super Mario Beta version, if you will. This picture shows undeniable evidence of the connection. You might be thinking, “Wait a minute, your very explanation suggests that Tom Selleck is the pervasive phenomenon and that Mario Bros. is merely the affected agent.” To that, I would say, “Shut the fuck up; you’re ruining my theory.” Then I’d give you a quick rabbit punch to dome-piece to show you I mean business.



This next one is obvious: Rachel Dratch isn’t just affected by Mario Bros., she’s simply a Koopa Troopa that made it big. What’s really funny—to me, at least—is that we went to the same college. I’m pretty sure that Rachel Dratch was the first Koopa Troopa to graduate from Dartmouth College. She knocked down all kinds of walls for video game characters in the Ivy League. I’m pretty sure Donkey Kong, Jr. went to Cornell…



Returning, for a moment, to Paris Hilton, you might think that she’s been going for the Princess Toadstool look. Well, you’d be wrong. She may be America’s biggest idiot, but she has brilliant publicists. They knew that Toadstool was out and that Paris should go bigger! She should try to resemble perhaps the most important yet overlooked actor in the Mario Bros. games: the magic beanstalk. I could go on and on with bad puns and sex jokes that relate Paris Hilton to a magic beanstalk (such as "Paris makes my beanstalk feel magic," "Mario loved riding the beanstalk and everyone loves riding Paris," or "the beanstalk took you to a bonus round and Paris is all about the ‘bone-us’ round"), but I won’t. I don’t have to; the evidence is incontrovertible in this picture.



Is it just me or does Brigitte Nielson, co-star of VH1’s “Strange Love” with Flava Flav, look exactly like a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. movie? I feel like this one is even more obvious than the Rachel Dratch/Koopa Troopa thing. The question isn’t so much “How?” but “Why?” in this particular instance. Why would anyone want to resemble the worst character of the Mario franchise? The movie Goomba was an atrocity and a disgrace to the Mario name; the veritable Tito Jackson of the group. First she did Red Sonja, then she convinced Flava Flav to stop fighting The Power and now this. Now she’s the kind of ugly where a bell should be tied around her neck to warn people to hide their eyes as she draws nigh. Regardless, her choice has clearly been made and it's giving me the heebie-jeebies something fierce.



Super Mario Bros. has been the most pervasive phenomenon in the history of modern American society. Not since the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 has an institution had such a great effect on the United States and its culture. It has redefined the role of video games, influenced movies, cartoons and comics, brought mushrooms, mustaches and overalls back into style and even changed the way that celebrities reinvent themselves. There's only one thing left to say about the most pervasive phenomenon of our time...

Zooples and Orel

(Note: This post was obviously originally a Myspace blog. Get over it.)

This is a post posted under the heavy influence of alcohol. I warn anyone who may usually find my blogs delightfully sober and chaste to please hit your "back" button to avoid tarnishing the otherwise unblemished image of me in your mind.

If there is one thing that I love, it's nearly inexplicable generalizations and unfounded bias. Thusly, I propose the following: Myspace is full of two basic types of guys: emo-guys and jocks. If you aren't shocked by my pithy observation, save your comments until you've read the full context of my musings.

So, we have emos and the jocks. Myspace is chock-full of the both of them. It seems that every guy on this network is either pitifully--though entertainingly--trying to seduce an image (and I emphasize the word image) of a really hot girl with generic compliments and kudos or posting sexually charged, less-than-subtle innuendoes juxtaposed with shirtless photos on the "hot" girl's profile. To me, this begs only one question: why can't we have zoos full of people?

Before you jump to a conclusion about my character, hear me out. Zoos full of people--or Zooples as I will refer to them henceforth--could be an amazing alleviation to many of mankind's problems. Not convinced? Just listen to our paid spokespersonality, 1988 World Series MVP, former Los Angeles Dodgers Pitcher and generally unattractive man... Orel Hershiser!

Orel: Zooples... Sounds like a crazy idea right? Wrong. I once pitched 59 straight scoreless innings, so I know a good pitch when I hear one. Also, my name is Orel, so I know what it feels like to be made fun of. You don't think I went through tons of bullshit when I was a kid? My fuckin' name's Orel! "Hey Oreleo!" they'd say. "Where's your cream filling?" Over and over they would chant. You think the handsome dudes get nicknamed "Bulldog"?! Well, do you? Do you?!

Whoa, Orel. Slow it down champ. We're talking about Zooples here.

The general idea is to put people into one of two types of specially designed enclosures:

Enclosure 1 will include a computer with a DSL connection, a bed with aesthetically uninspired bedding, one unframed Husker Du or Built to Spill poster (but let's face it, is there really a difference?), and a generally unkempt yet not untidy appearance.

Enclosure 2 wil include a computer with a Cable connection, a bed with aesthetically repellant bedding, one unframed LeBron James or Michael Vick poster (but let's face it, is there really a difference?), and a generally shipshape though unorganized appearance.

Here's the plan: throw an emo kid into enclosure 1 and a jock into enclosure 2. Then, serve the emo kid grilled cheese and Smiths albums and the jock kid Hamburger Helper and Linkin Park and simply sell tickets for $20.00 a pop ($18.00 with valid student ID) to watch them navigate Myspace for hours and hours.

Emo kids hitting feebly on professional models with entrepreneurial websites; jocks shooting impotent come-ons toward the semi-attractive... isn't this what's missing from this crazy website? The ability to watch the crazies going about their crazy way doing crazy things? Is there a better recipe for a night of fun at someone else's expense?

If this isn't at the very least a moneymaking idea, then I don't know what is. And I've seen every infomercial ever.

Who wouldn't rather send their hard earned dollars electronically over to that asexual "Tom" guy rather than put up with the ridiculously omnipresent advertisements from neighborhoodies.com, the all-new Tag body spray fragrance or True.com (actually, I kind of dig the boobs on those chicks from the True.com ads, so never mind that one)?

The simple answer is nobody. Or, rather, everybody. No, no, nobody. Nobody would rather deal with non-booby related ads. Speaking of which, all this talk about boobies is reminding me of tonight's most excellent episode of "The OC" wherein we all almost caught Marissa naked twice. God bless that show...

Well crap, I'm sorry. Now I'm too busy trying to remember the four times that Marissa bent over suggestively during tonight's episode (aptly entitled "Risky Business") to continue on my point regarding Zooples. Looks like this train is derailing earlier than initial projections would have suggested.

Blame wine; blame apathy; blame Mischa Barton. Blame whomever; I'm fucking tired. As always, thanks for your indulgence despite my incoherence; I owe everyone something of quality for next time.

By the way, don't be surprised if this runt-of-the-litter-styled post is culled from the herd on the morrow. If'n it ain't, then I've surprised us both and we should all drink to that (and, of course, my unscrupulous overuse of modifiers, qualifiers and italics. Zing!)!